So the last week has been unique.
Last Thursday I went in for my Lap-band consult. The surgeon tried to coax me into opting for a sleeve gastrectomy after I flatly rejected the gastric bypass, and I had a decision to make--lie and say I would think about it, or stand my ground and voice my personal objections?
I, being Italian (and therefore stubborn and mouthy), decided to dig in my heels. I told the doctor of my personal distaste for bariatric surgery, and that the only reason I'm even considering it at this point is because I have no other option left to me. I then said that I would not go for anything other than the lap-band, because I have personal moral objections to being mutilated. If I have to choose between becoming a cyborg or being irreversibly mutilated? I'll go for assimilation, thanks. Resistance is futile.
So this morning I went in for an Upper GI exam, where I got to drink the barium suspension and they took lots of pictures of my gut to look for an hiatal hernia or any similar issue that would need to be repaired at the time I got my band. That was interesting. The barium tastes like ass, kids. It really really does. But I managed to choke it down, and got to watch it flowing into my stomach. It was quite fascinating. Didn't take a lot of time, either. I was there about 1 hour total--then I got my films and left. And I'm now drinking like half of Falls Lake so that I don't wind up with a barium brick in my gut. That would be no fun.
The next thing I'm waiting on is scheduling for a sleep study. After that's done, I have to talk to a nutritionist, then I have to talk to a psychologist (because they want to make sure that I'm not nuts and that I understand what I'm getting myself into). Then we'll schedule the surgery.
Easy, no? Well, no. Like with every surgery, there's the risk of me being put on a one-way bus to meet the ancestors. So I'm sure I'll be mildly stressing in the immediate runup to H-hour, but in the end I'm sure it'll all work out.
At least, I hope it will.
28 April 2010
22 April 2010
Weights. I has them.
Friend of mine dropped off a couple 8-pound weights for me at work the other day. I was so happy, I spent all day messing with them between calls--which prompted my co-workers to comment that they think I'm crazy.
Perhaps I am.
Things have been a little eh for me lately otherwise. I've been feeling really tired and run-down, which tells me that my nutrition is jacked. Either that or I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm thinking it may be the lack of sleep. I tried hitting the treadmill Tuesday night, but I just could not focus. Ugh. Yesterday was a rest day, today I dunno. We have a rental car right now cos husband's car is in the shop--and we have to return that. So I might be able to hit the gym after I have my lap-band consult, but it'll be kinda dicey.
I have also discovered that, despite the use of iPod and whatnot, I lose my focus after half an hour (with my luck, I have adult ADD). Thus, the idea for two-a-days...though I suspect that will have to wait for when I get a car of my own, because gods know the husband won't be up for taking me to the gym early in the morning and then after I get off work.
Perhaps I am.
Things have been a little eh for me lately otherwise. I've been feeling really tired and run-down, which tells me that my nutrition is jacked. Either that or I'm not getting enough sleep. I'm thinking it may be the lack of sleep. I tried hitting the treadmill Tuesday night, but I just could not focus. Ugh. Yesterday was a rest day, today I dunno. We have a rental car right now cos husband's car is in the shop--and we have to return that. So I might be able to hit the gym after I have my lap-band consult, but it'll be kinda dicey.
I have also discovered that, despite the use of iPod and whatnot, I lose my focus after half an hour (with my luck, I have adult ADD). Thus, the idea for two-a-days...though I suspect that will have to wait for when I get a car of my own, because gods know the husband won't be up for taking me to the gym early in the morning and then after I get off work.
17 April 2010
Geteiltes Leid ist Halbes Leid
So the issue with the car is the fuel pump. $480 right there. Combine that with $685 that we had to pay toward something else, and we were in the hurt locker.
Are in the hurt locker. Something like that.
Anyway. Labs came back from the endo--everything is good there. Hail Eir.
On the gym front...eh. Yesterday was a failday for me. I was shooting for 30 minutes on the treadmill at a brisk walking pace, but only lasted 15 before everything started to cramp up and I had to quit or go flying off the damn thing. I was so pissed. I went and showered, and then sat there looking at myself in the mirror before I got dressed--and that just pissed me off even more. And I didn't have anyone to vent to. My best friend has gone radio-silent (he's a busy boy), Mom didn't answer the phone, and my sister...well, yeah. I effectively don't have a sister anymore. And don't get me started on Genghis. I get home and he immediately jumped ugly on me for not answering my phone...mostly cos I had left it in the car. I checked my phone and there were like ten calls from him and a voicemail.
"I thought you were injured or damaged!" No asshat, that happened 17 years ago.
I'm just feeling a lot of burning resentment right now--toward Genghis, toward myself, toward a lot of things. Mostly toward myself. I made decisions that weren't in my best interest, and now I just have that much more work to do to try to fix or salvage what little I can. Oh well.
I've committed myself to a course of action, for once I may as well stick to it and fulfill an oath I swore on the high plains years ago (and which the other party has likely forgotten, even if I haven't). It's the least I can do right?
Are in the hurt locker. Something like that.
Anyway. Labs came back from the endo--everything is good there. Hail Eir.
On the gym front...eh. Yesterday was a failday for me. I was shooting for 30 minutes on the treadmill at a brisk walking pace, but only lasted 15 before everything started to cramp up and I had to quit or go flying off the damn thing. I was so pissed. I went and showered, and then sat there looking at myself in the mirror before I got dressed--and that just pissed me off even more. And I didn't have anyone to vent to. My best friend has gone radio-silent (he's a busy boy), Mom didn't answer the phone, and my sister...well, yeah. I effectively don't have a sister anymore. And don't get me started on Genghis. I get home and he immediately jumped ugly on me for not answering my phone...mostly cos I had left it in the car. I checked my phone and there were like ten calls from him and a voicemail.
"I thought you were injured or damaged!" No asshat, that happened 17 years ago.
I'm just feeling a lot of burning resentment right now--toward Genghis, toward myself, toward a lot of things. Mostly toward myself. I made decisions that weren't in my best interest, and now I just have that much more work to do to try to fix or salvage what little I can. Oh well.
I've committed myself to a course of action, for once I may as well stick to it and fulfill an oath I swore on the high plains years ago (and which the other party has likely forgotten, even if I haven't). It's the least I can do right?
14 April 2010
Leid und Elend
So today was trying. I joined the Planet Fitness near my apartment on Sunday--what the heck, right? I've been going daily, either before or after work, and hitting the treadmill there. It's easier than walking outside, for some reason. Probably because indoors I don't have to worry about getting pasted by a car.
Anyway. This morning, I decided to hit one of the bikes instead of doing the treadmill. Oh yeah, that was a great idea. Two minutes in, the insides of my thighs started to give me issues. And we're not talking "feel the burn", either. We're talking "OMFG WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO US LADY?!" here. After another eight minutes I couldn't take it anymore and was all "well shit, there went that plan". I migrated to a treadmill. Figured I would do at least 30-35 minutes there, and I would be good.
My back had other ideas. About 5 minutes in, it started to seize up. I pressed on, taking a 30-second pause to try to stretch it back out. That bought me another 15 minutes before the pain became unbearable and I had to stop. Broken back ftl. I showered in tears and left. As I came meandering out of the locker room, some dude was there jamming on the treadclimber nearest the front--and when I say "jamming on", I mean he was seriously going at like warp speed. He shot me a disgusted look before going back to his "look at me, I can do warp speed on a treadclimber for an hour at a time" routine. I just rolled my eyes at him and left, wishing I could just have a new spinal column and wondering why, for once, I can't just have SOMETHING be easy.
Tomorrow is another day.
Anyway. This morning, I decided to hit one of the bikes instead of doing the treadmill. Oh yeah, that was a great idea. Two minutes in, the insides of my thighs started to give me issues. And we're not talking "feel the burn", either. We're talking "OMFG WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING TO US LADY?!" here. After another eight minutes I couldn't take it anymore and was all "well shit, there went that plan". I migrated to a treadmill. Figured I would do at least 30-35 minutes there, and I would be good.
My back had other ideas. About 5 minutes in, it started to seize up. I pressed on, taking a 30-second pause to try to stretch it back out. That bought me another 15 minutes before the pain became unbearable and I had to stop. Broken back ftl. I showered in tears and left. As I came meandering out of the locker room, some dude was there jamming on the treadclimber nearest the front--and when I say "jamming on", I mean he was seriously going at like warp speed. He shot me a disgusted look before going back to his "look at me, I can do warp speed on a treadclimber for an hour at a time" routine. I just rolled my eyes at him and left, wishing I could just have a new spinal column and wondering why, for once, I can't just have SOMETHING be easy.
Tomorrow is another day.
11 April 2010
Sunday Update
It's a funny thing about life--it loves to throw you a curveball just to see if you'll take a swing.
Thursday I was on the way for my lap-band consult when my husband's car died. Ugh. So it's in the shop until at least Tuesday, and we have a rental. The downside is that the cost of the rental combined with an outstanding bill that needs to be paid ASAP has pretty much killed the grocery budget--which means that I've been digging deep to come up with stuff that's cheap and good for me. Husband got all bitchy with me when I pointed out that we (specifically I) have no money for groceries until I get paid next, even after I pointed out that when we go to the store I buy enough for exactly two weeks. It's called a budget.
So...yeah. I suspect everything will be better once we get the news from the mechanic about what the issue is, and that it's not nearly as expensive as husband thinks it will be--but until then, I have to put up with him freaking out and immediately assuming that we're going to have to have something drastic done to his car like an engine replacement.
I'm not letting it slow me down that much though. If worse comes to worse, I have rice and a stash of Soyjoy bars. (which isn't much good, but still)
I've been having issues with the back and the knees lately. The back is an ongoing thing that has gotten better, but still hurts like a sumbitch from time to time. The knees, OTOH...they've only recently started killing me. Walking makes them feel better though, so I do more walking to offset the pain I feel when I'm sitting and having those knees flexed. I've been going to see a physical terrorist--turns out her husband went to school in Fargo, which amused me greatly. PT gave me some exercises to do, and I've been trying to do them at work--though it looks funny when I have my left leg up on my filing cabinet doing exercises while I'm on a call.
I think I'll get through the week just fine.
Thursday I was on the way for my lap-band consult when my husband's car died. Ugh. So it's in the shop until at least Tuesday, and we have a rental. The downside is that the cost of the rental combined with an outstanding bill that needs to be paid ASAP has pretty much killed the grocery budget--which means that I've been digging deep to come up with stuff that's cheap and good for me. Husband got all bitchy with me when I pointed out that we (specifically I) have no money for groceries until I get paid next, even after I pointed out that when we go to the store I buy enough for exactly two weeks. It's called a budget.
So...yeah. I suspect everything will be better once we get the news from the mechanic about what the issue is, and that it's not nearly as expensive as husband thinks it will be--but until then, I have to put up with him freaking out and immediately assuming that we're going to have to have something drastic done to his car like an engine replacement.
I'm not letting it slow me down that much though. If worse comes to worse, I have rice and a stash of Soyjoy bars. (which isn't much good, but still)
I've been having issues with the back and the knees lately. The back is an ongoing thing that has gotten better, but still hurts like a sumbitch from time to time. The knees, OTOH...they've only recently started killing me. Walking makes them feel better though, so I do more walking to offset the pain I feel when I'm sitting and having those knees flexed. I've been going to see a physical terrorist--turns out her husband went to school in Fargo, which amused me greatly. PT gave me some exercises to do, and I've been trying to do them at work--though it looks funny when I have my left leg up on my filing cabinet doing exercises while I'm on a call.
I think I'll get through the week just fine.
07 April 2010
A Boast, I Has It.
So yesterday morning I went to see my endo at Duke. Let me tell you kids....
The walk from the apartment to the bus stop 1/3 mile away was the easy part. The bus gets held up in downtown Cary by The Carolinian (for those outside NC: it's a train), which took forever to disgorge and pick up its passengers at the station and was blocking the bus' access to the rest of its route. Then I get to the TTA transit center, and almost miss the 412 to Duke because the driver wasn't paying attention and didn't see me until I rapped on the door as he was starting to pull out. Then I had to fight with the coinbox for five minutes before it finally took my fare.
I get to Duke fine. Head across the road to the front door--and find out that I'm on the wrong end of Duke campus. I could take a shuttle, or I could walk. I decided to walk. Walked across like half of Durham in the early-morning heat--and got lost twice on the way--and despite all that I still managed to get there like 10 minutes early.
Then came the fun part--the weigh-in.
I've dropped 40 pounds since the end of January, kids. VICTORY FOR ZIM!
BP was a little jacked-up because I basically hauled ass from one end of Duke campus to the other--but when they re-checked it after 10 minutes? I was golden. 121/70
So my endo is happy, I'm happy, we're all happy and everything is awesome. So that's my boast.
The rest of the day was...hmm. Now see, I hadn't eaten anything that morning, because I knew I was getting labs done. But I wanted to grab the bus ASAP after my appointment, so rather than stop at the cafeteria and have something to eat I decided to just haul it to the bus stop. I got on the 412, got bitched at by the rude-ass driver (who I've had an issue with ever since I used to take the 747 to work) because I wanted to take the scenic route rather than the 413 back to the Park, but I ignored her and just cranked the iPod while going on a bus tour of parts of Chapel Hill and Durham that I hadn't seen before (specifically, deep inside UNC campus and the Streets of Southpoint). Get back to the RTP, decide "what the hell, I'll go visit my homiez at D.H. Hill Library"--and I get on the 105 to State. Visit with everyone that I could find at the Library, then went to get on the 105 back to the Park so I could catch the 301 home.
And that's about when the heat combined with my lack of sustenance and a dangerously low and non-refilled water supply to layeth the smacketh down upon my candy ass. First the Carter-Finley WolfLine bus blows past me without even seeing I was there. Then half an hour later the 105 headed back to the Park blew past me. I'd been standing in the heat for close to an hour and a half now (counting walking time around campus), wearing sweats, and I was starting to slowly fade. My sciatic nerve went "oh, fuck you--I've been good for long enough, now I'm going to give you issues" and my right leg started hurting like a sumbitch along with my back. There was no way in the Nine Worlds I was going to last the 45 minutes I would have had to wait for the next bus. So I hobbled to the SECU branch right across from State, and camped their water fountain in the lobby--fending off any puzzled querents with my membership card, to prove that I wasn't some bum off the street. And I called Genghis and begged him to come get me.
Got lectured, of course--but he shut up when he realized that I really was in need of that emergency evac. He stopped at the Sonic over near where we live, and all I could think of was something cold and tasty.
"I would be ever so grateful," I said, "for a Cherry Limeade Chiller."
I hadn't had one in ages--it was awesome. No cherry or lime wedge, but it was cool and it was tasty and I decided to treat it as the "once in a blue moon" reward I deserved. Mmmm....Cherry Limeade Chiller.
Oh yeah, and when I got home I had a Soyjoy and three or four turkey-lettuce wraps with some pasta salad. And more water. And a cool shower. And a nap. Because, y'know, I kinda needed them.
The walk from the apartment to the bus stop 1/3 mile away was the easy part. The bus gets held up in downtown Cary by The Carolinian (for those outside NC: it's a train), which took forever to disgorge and pick up its passengers at the station and was blocking the bus' access to the rest of its route. Then I get to the TTA transit center, and almost miss the 412 to Duke because the driver wasn't paying attention and didn't see me until I rapped on the door as he was starting to pull out. Then I had to fight with the coinbox for five minutes before it finally took my fare.
I get to Duke fine. Head across the road to the front door--and find out that I'm on the wrong end of Duke campus. I could take a shuttle, or I could walk. I decided to walk. Walked across like half of Durham in the early-morning heat--and got lost twice on the way--and despite all that I still managed to get there like 10 minutes early.
Then came the fun part--the weigh-in.
I've dropped 40 pounds since the end of January, kids. VICTORY FOR ZIM!
BP was a little jacked-up because I basically hauled ass from one end of Duke campus to the other--but when they re-checked it after 10 minutes? I was golden. 121/70
So my endo is happy, I'm happy, we're all happy and everything is awesome. So that's my boast.
The rest of the day was...hmm. Now see, I hadn't eaten anything that morning, because I knew I was getting labs done. But I wanted to grab the bus ASAP after my appointment, so rather than stop at the cafeteria and have something to eat I decided to just haul it to the bus stop. I got on the 412, got bitched at by the rude-ass driver (who I've had an issue with ever since I used to take the 747 to work) because I wanted to take the scenic route rather than the 413 back to the Park, but I ignored her and just cranked the iPod while going on a bus tour of parts of Chapel Hill and Durham that I hadn't seen before (specifically, deep inside UNC campus and the Streets of Southpoint). Get back to the RTP, decide "what the hell, I'll go visit my homiez at D.H. Hill Library"--and I get on the 105 to State. Visit with everyone that I could find at the Library, then went to get on the 105 back to the Park so I could catch the 301 home.
And that's about when the heat combined with my lack of sustenance and a dangerously low and non-refilled water supply to layeth the smacketh down upon my candy ass. First the Carter-Finley WolfLine bus blows past me without even seeing I was there. Then half an hour later the 105 headed back to the Park blew past me. I'd been standing in the heat for close to an hour and a half now (counting walking time around campus), wearing sweats, and I was starting to slowly fade. My sciatic nerve went "oh, fuck you--I've been good for long enough, now I'm going to give you issues" and my right leg started hurting like a sumbitch along with my back. There was no way in the Nine Worlds I was going to last the 45 minutes I would have had to wait for the next bus. So I hobbled to the SECU branch right across from State, and camped their water fountain in the lobby--fending off any puzzled querents with my membership card, to prove that I wasn't some bum off the street. And I called Genghis and begged him to come get me.
Got lectured, of course--but he shut up when he realized that I really was in need of that emergency evac. He stopped at the Sonic over near where we live, and all I could think of was something cold and tasty.
"I would be ever so grateful," I said, "for a Cherry Limeade Chiller."
I hadn't had one in ages--it was awesome. No cherry or lime wedge, but it was cool and it was tasty and I decided to treat it as the "once in a blue moon" reward I deserved. Mmmm....Cherry Limeade Chiller.
Oh yeah, and when I got home I had a Soyjoy and three or four turkey-lettuce wraps with some pasta salad. And more water. And a cool shower. And a nap. Because, y'know, I kinda needed them.
04 April 2010
The Mighty Cup of Awesome
The week has been kind to me so far. Walking has begun again, with no palpitations. This is a relief to me, because I missed my walkies.
My taxes are going to be filed soon--I'm looking at getting about a grand or so, which I am seriously considering investing in either a stationary bike OR in a down-payment on a used car (so I can go to the Planet Fitness a few miles down the road). Thoughts? Yesno?
My birthday is coming in about 4 months. I'll be getting my Hammer then, at Blue Flame tattoo on Peace Street--it'll piss off the husband, which I don't care about. My body, my choice, yadda yadda. The Ansuz rune will come the night before I go back to uni again, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. But we'll see.
That's all for now.
My taxes are going to be filed soon--I'm looking at getting about a grand or so, which I am seriously considering investing in either a stationary bike OR in a down-payment on a used car (so I can go to the Planet Fitness a few miles down the road). Thoughts? Yesno?
My birthday is coming in about 4 months. I'll be getting my Hammer then, at Blue Flame tattoo on Peace Street--it'll piss off the husband, which I don't care about. My body, my choice, yadda yadda. The Ansuz rune will come the night before I go back to uni again, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later. But we'll see.
That's all for now.
31 March 2010
Counting one's blessings
So day before yesterday when I went for my walk around the call center, I started getting heart palpitations. I forged on through, figuring it would pass. I tried again at lunch, same thing. Second break, I stopped halfway because it started to scare me.
So now I'm being very careful and trying to do stuff other than walking, because honestly? I don't feel like keeling over--mostly because I don't think Genghis will do what I ask and play "Goin' Back to Cali" and "I Love LA" at my funeral. For that matter, I don't think he'd even so much as try to get me in the family plot in Chatsworth--but of course, I could be wrong.
Anyway. I have a feeling that part of the issue is caffeine intake. So I've been moderating that more heavily, and I'll have to talk to my endo about this on Tuesday when I go see her. That should be a big ball of fun, right there.
But on the upside? I can make it to the mailbox with no problem now (a far damn cry from when I started, yo). Coming back is a pain though--fuckin' hills.
So now I'm being very careful and trying to do stuff other than walking, because honestly? I don't feel like keeling over--mostly because I don't think Genghis will do what I ask and play "Goin' Back to Cali" and "I Love LA" at my funeral. For that matter, I don't think he'd even so much as try to get me in the family plot in Chatsworth--but of course, I could be wrong.
Anyway. I have a feeling that part of the issue is caffeine intake. So I've been moderating that more heavily, and I'll have to talk to my endo about this on Tuesday when I go see her. That should be a big ball of fun, right there.
But on the upside? I can make it to the mailbox with no problem now (a far damn cry from when I started, yo). Coming back is a pain though--fuckin' hills.
27 March 2010
Hitting the wall
Sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this, really. Pain has been a constant companion lately--which some would say is weakness leaving the body, but to me it's just something that I want to be quit of, something to fight through...even though it would be easier to just give up. But I took the easy route before, and all it brought me was pain.
I don't know that I'm ready to give up--I don't know that I'll ever be ready to give up. But I wonder why I'm doing this--who I'm doing this for. I'm to the point where I want to quit my job so I can devote myself to other goals, but I know that I need money. Since I don't think I'll be winning the lottery anytime soon, I guess I kinda have to lump it.
Note to self: buy a scale.
I don't know that I'm ready to give up--I don't know that I'll ever be ready to give up. But I wonder why I'm doing this--who I'm doing this for. I'm to the point where I want to quit my job so I can devote myself to other goals, but I know that I need money. Since I don't think I'll be winning the lottery anytime soon, I guess I kinda have to lump it.
Note to self: buy a scale.
21 March 2010
Ego Spikes and Sugar Drops
My back is KILLING me today. KILLING. ME. This made walking difficult. I couldn't go to the 'mill like I planned last night, which pissed me off--so I busied myself cleaning house and taking out trash instead. Blood sugar spiked at 159 at 10PM, which freaked me out. Made myself a turkey sandwich, and about an hour and a half later blood sugar was down to 107. This morning when I woke up, it was at 96. I had to explain to Genghis this morning that if I skip meals, it spikes the blood sugar because my body goes "OH NOES NEED ENERGY" and tells my cells to release a bunch of stored glucose into my system in an attempt to compensate.
You would think that a guy who was a quarter shy of becoming an RN would know something like this. But no, he didn't get it. As I've told many people, he's not malicious. He's just clueless.
So this morning I had a large bowl of Special K, and I've been snacking on trail mix and had a packet of nabs to keep the blood sugar from spiking and then crashing (it's at 88 right now). That's my fault, because I didn't even think to pack a lunch today--and I even got my favourite wholegrain bread for sandwiches at the store last night! Go team me. If it gets any lower, well I have an Emergency Dum Dum I can suck on.
Had two co-workers and a sup come up to me at work today and comment that it's becoming very apparent that I'm losing weight, and give me attaboys. Encouragement like that means a lot to me, because it confirms what I already know: that I'm doing the right thing.
Now, if I can just keep from falling out because of my own damn foolishness.... *reaches for the Emergency Dum Dum*
You would think that a guy who was a quarter shy of becoming an RN would know something like this. But no, he didn't get it. As I've told many people, he's not malicious. He's just clueless.
So this morning I had a large bowl of Special K, and I've been snacking on trail mix and had a packet of nabs to keep the blood sugar from spiking and then crashing (it's at 88 right now). That's my fault, because I didn't even think to pack a lunch today--and I even got my favourite wholegrain bread for sandwiches at the store last night! Go team me. If it gets any lower, well I have an Emergency Dum Dum I can suck on.
Had two co-workers and a sup come up to me at work today and comment that it's becoming very apparent that I'm losing weight, and give me attaboys. Encouragement like that means a lot to me, because it confirms what I already know: that I'm doing the right thing.
Now, if I can just keep from falling out because of my own damn foolishness.... *reaches for the Emergency Dum Dum*
20 March 2010
Thanks Eostre Bunny!
The equinoxes proceed according to precedent, and so I wish a happy Eostre to you all. May the arrival of spring bring you luck.
Breakfast this morning was 2 cups grapes, half a bagel with 1 oz cream cheese, and a couple swigs of 2% milk. I've been snacking it all day with unsalted trailmix (almonds, peanuts, sunflower kernels, raisins) from the vending machine downstairs, and meandering briskly around the floor with help from my iPod (today's playlist is "I Have The Touch" by Peter Gabriel, "Take California" by Propellerheads, "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" by Tomoyaso Hotei, "Forty Six and 2" by Tool, and "Ready Steady Go" by Paul Oakenfold. When I get home I'll throw on some more Tool before I go hit the treadmill).
I felt rather proud of myself today when my sup came round with cookies and I politely declined--because honestly? I don't miss the sugary stuff I used to go nuts for. Perhaps it's because I've started satisfying my brain's need for carbohydrate energy with stuff that I also go nuts for but is better for me (like the pork lo mein that I had last night for dinner). If my blood sugar for whatever reason takes a nosedive, I have a Dum Dum pop at my desk that I can suck on. The better choice of course would be to get a packet of nabs* from the vending machine downstairs, but if my blood sugar is dropping then there's no way I can get down there before I fall out and they truck my happy ass off to WakeMed in the back of an ambulance.
Tonight's dinner is beef fried rice and greens dressed with a spritz of olive oil and some montreal steak seasoning, followed by walking through all of "10,000 Days". Maybe I'll push it and try to get through "Aenima" too. Doable, y/y?
*:for those who are not from the South, "nabs" are those little snack crackers that you get from the vending machine, like six to a pack.
Breakfast this morning was 2 cups grapes, half a bagel with 1 oz cream cheese, and a couple swigs of 2% milk. I've been snacking it all day with unsalted trailmix (almonds, peanuts, sunflower kernels, raisins) from the vending machine downstairs, and meandering briskly around the floor with help from my iPod (today's playlist is "I Have The Touch" by Peter Gabriel, "Take California" by Propellerheads, "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" by Tomoyaso Hotei, "Forty Six and 2" by Tool, and "Ready Steady Go" by Paul Oakenfold. When I get home I'll throw on some more Tool before I go hit the treadmill).
I felt rather proud of myself today when my sup came round with cookies and I politely declined--because honestly? I don't miss the sugary stuff I used to go nuts for. Perhaps it's because I've started satisfying my brain's need for carbohydrate energy with stuff that I also go nuts for but is better for me (like the pork lo mein that I had last night for dinner). If my blood sugar for whatever reason takes a nosedive, I have a Dum Dum pop at my desk that I can suck on. The better choice of course would be to get a packet of nabs* from the vending machine downstairs, but if my blood sugar is dropping then there's no way I can get down there before I fall out and they truck my happy ass off to WakeMed in the back of an ambulance.
Tonight's dinner is beef fried rice and greens dressed with a spritz of olive oil and some montreal steak seasoning, followed by walking through all of "10,000 Days". Maybe I'll push it and try to get through "Aenima" too. Doable, y/y?
*:for those who are not from the South, "nabs" are those little snack crackers that you get from the vending machine, like six to a pack.
19 March 2010
I'm a Nightside Girl in a Dayside World
Breakfast: 1 bowl Fiber One w/oatmeal raisin clusters, 8oz 2% milk
Lunch: 1 piece fried flounder
Snack: Bagel w/2oz strawberry cream cheese, 1 pkg Karr's trail mix (peanuts, sunflower kernels, almonds, raisins
Dinner: TBD
Did two circuits of the 2nd floor on break, did the same outside over lunch and I'm planning to do three on second break. It's kind of a pain in the ass sometimes, because I get stopped by co-workers with questions and so—but at least on lunch I have an hour. NO PRESSURE, RIGHT?
This morning I basically had to get up and get right in the shower, and then I had five minutes to get dressed and get out the door so I could get to work early. Fortunately, this morning I had no blood sugar issues that I knew of, but of course dumbass me not only forgot to check my blood sugar, but I left the glucose meter at home. Err...oops?
I told Genghis that for Yule I want a stationary bike—preferably one that I can camp in front of my monitor so I can watch hockey while pedalling gods only know how many miles. If I could figure out how to rig it up, I'd be able to play WoW while on the bike too. I'd do everything on the bike. I'd even do my work on the bike, but then my customers would be all “Damn, woman—they got you running laps or something there?” I love cycling and hockey. The first day of the Tour de France is a holiday for me, as is the first day of hockey season. Years ago, I had a bike and would ride it everywhere. Then I fucked my knees up and had to stop riding. Hockey was different—there, I kinda had to watch. Not easy being one of only four hockey fans in a tiny-ass town of 1500 in the middle of damn nowhere.
So my goals are thus:
Drop to 190
Start skating
Start cycling (again, and over the objections of Genghis, who is convinced I'll get pasted by a truck or a city bus)
Play hockey
I am the AcidQueen, and I am a defenceman like my Harry before me.
Lunch: 1 piece fried flounder
Snack: Bagel w/2oz strawberry cream cheese, 1 pkg Karr's trail mix (peanuts, sunflower kernels, almonds, raisins
Dinner: TBD
Did two circuits of the 2nd floor on break, did the same outside over lunch and I'm planning to do three on second break. It's kind of a pain in the ass sometimes, because I get stopped by co-workers with questions and so—but at least on lunch I have an hour. NO PRESSURE, RIGHT?
This morning I basically had to get up and get right in the shower, and then I had five minutes to get dressed and get out the door so I could get to work early. Fortunately, this morning I had no blood sugar issues that I knew of, but of course dumbass me not only forgot to check my blood sugar, but I left the glucose meter at home. Err...oops?
I told Genghis that for Yule I want a stationary bike—preferably one that I can camp in front of my monitor so I can watch hockey while pedalling gods only know how many miles. If I could figure out how to rig it up, I'd be able to play WoW while on the bike too. I'd do everything on the bike. I'd even do my work on the bike, but then my customers would be all “Damn, woman—they got you running laps or something there?” I love cycling and hockey. The first day of the Tour de France is a holiday for me, as is the first day of hockey season. Years ago, I had a bike and would ride it everywhere. Then I fucked my knees up and had to stop riding. Hockey was different—there, I kinda had to watch. Not easy being one of only four hockey fans in a tiny-ass town of 1500 in the middle of damn nowhere.
So my goals are thus:
Drop to 190
Start skating
Start cycling (again, and over the objections of Genghis, who is convinced I'll get pasted by a truck or a city bus)
Play hockey
I am the AcidQueen, and I am a defenceman like my Harry before me.
18 March 2010
Back In The Saddle Again
I recently started on an heroic quest to lose all of the weight I gained over the last 17 years of marriage...and then some.
Hi, I'm AQ and I'm trying to get right with myself.
Here is my most recent photograph (from 2006, after my beloved Hurricanes won the Cup):
My goal is to get down to 190--from there, everything else is gravy. The hard part was starting. I've already started modifying my eating habits so that I'm eating more of what I like (greens, fruit, nuts, other stuff that's good for a body), and no more of what my husband likes (TV dinners, nasty Kroger chicken, fast food, and so on).
For so many years, it was easier for me to just shut the fuck up and eat what Genghis put in front of me rather than bitch and wind up having to deal with drama about "spending money" and raving about how "we need to eat cheap food", or put up with insane jealousy every time I even so much as said hello to a guy on the street. I knew it was bad, I knew that the fact that I have PCOS made it far far easier to gain than to lose, but I did it anyway because it was the only way to avoid getting shit on by somebody with his own set of insecurities.
I complained (oh man did I complain) to my friends, my friends said WTFHUSBAND? (and a few said WTFDIVORCE?) to me--my best friend on the whole planet flat told me he was afraid I'd wind up dead if it didn't stop (I believe the phrase he used was "fatted to die")...and that was 13 years ago. I think that when the two of us re-established contact after so long, he was surprised to find out I was still 1) breathing and 2) ambulatory. Even my family practice doctor and my endocrinologist at Duke U. said something to me and to Genghis...and he just didn't get it, even after Dr. Brown (my endo, not my best friend or the dude from the Back To The Future movies) told him that I fit the criteria for Type 2 Diabetes and things had to change immediately.
I'm still surprised she didn't slap him when he flat out said "Well, we don't have a lot of money and we need to economize. We need to eat cheap food." Hell, I'm surprised I didn't slap him.
I wanted to stop for years, but didn't find the strength to cut loose with my Voice of Appropriately Righteous Indignation until about a month ago, when I finally stood up to Genghis and told him that at long last I was through getting fat for him; that I was going to lose weight or die trying. I told him he basically had three choices:
1) Get on the bus
2) Get out of the way of the bus
3) Get run the hell over by the bus
And I would start spending my paychecks on stuff that I prefer to eat, whether he likes it or not. I talked to my family practice doctor about the LAP-BAND and getting in with a nutritionist, and I've also started taking antidepressants (but that is another issue that I've been dealing with since I was a child, and solving that will only help with everything else). And I started walking everywhere again.
Oh gods, the walking. That was where the gravity of the situation was piledriven home to me. I couldn't even get to the mailbox at my apartment complex (which is roughly 1/4 mile away from my apartment) without feeling like I was going to fall over. Now the only trouble I have is getting back to the apartment--hills still kill my legs and back, but at least I can get there without feeling like my heart is going to explode from my chest by the time I'm halfway. Breaks and lunchtimes at work see me walking laps around my office building, both inside and (at lunch) out. Sodas, gone. Junk, gone. Nasty Kroger Chicken, gone. Stouffer's dinners, gone.
And by Yule I will have a Hammer tattooed on my collarbone to remind me that I can overcome my own messed-up orlog through this heroic effort.
21 December 2007
Yuletide Wishes
A happy Yule to all who read this. May your ancestors watch over and guide you during the coming year, and may you receive blessings of health and prosperity.
Hail!
Hail!
17 December 2007
Life Imitating Art
http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/12/17/giant.rat.ap/index.html
The Giant Rat of Sumatra, it has been found. I cannot be the only one who was wickedly amused by this.
14 December 2007
Hello, Constitution? Fuck off! Sincerely, Congress
This came to me via a friend of mine who found it on GovTrack:
http://www.govtrack.us/congress/bill.xpd?bill=hr110-847
H. Res. 847: Recognizing the importance of Christmas and the Christian faith
Full text of the bill is here.
How is this not a violation of the Establishment Clause? How is this not a slap in the face to every non-Christian living in this country—which was founded on religious pluralism and government non-involvement in religion?
Here is the text of my letter to my representative, who voted YEA on this resolution:
Rep. Miller;
As somebody who has voted for and supported you during your Congressional career, I am more than a little dismayed by your support of HR 847, passed on 6 December of this year.
The Founding Fathers of this country have made clear through their writings that no one religion should be endorsed or promoted over any other religion in this country. They made it clear through a Constitutional prohibition of the establishment or endorsement of any religion, be it Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Asatru, Wicca or Santeria.
Thomas Jefferson wrote in a letter to the Danbury Baptist Association of Connecticut "…religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions…" (here is the link for your perusal: http://www.loc.gov/loc/lcib/9806/danpre.html) He wrote that while sitting in the White House as the 3rd President of the United States.
Article 11 of the Treaty of Tripoli of 1796 clearly states "As the government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion,-as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion or tranquility of Musselmen,-and as the said States never have entered into any war or act of hostility against any Mehomitan nation, it is declared by the parties that no pretext arising from religious opinions shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries." (again, here is a link: http://www.yale.edu/lawweb/avalon/diplomacy/barbary/bar1796t.htm#art11) Given comments that have been made to the troops about God being on "our side" in the Iraq War, I find this passage rather darkly ironic.
More recently, recently-retired Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said in her opinion on "McCreary County vs. American Civil Liberties Union of Kentucky" that "When the government associates one set of religious beliefs with the state and identifies nonadherents as outsiders, it encroaches upon the individual's decision about whether and how to worship."
Religious freedom is what this nation is founded on. When one religion is favoured over another, whether via resolution expressing sentiment or via force of law, people who do not adhere to that belief system are made to feel insignificant or unwelcome. It's human nature. The wording of HR 847 differs markedly from HR 747 (recognizing Diwali, the festival of lights celebrated by Hindus and Sikhs the world over) and HR 635 (recognizing the Muslim holy month of Ramadan) in that it specifically promotes Christianity. Furthermore, the resolution's author, your honourable colleague Steve King of Iowa's 5th District, has gone on record as saying that "the foundation of this nation and this culture is Christian", and that the resolution was intended to assert this status in the wake of "an assault on Christianity."
Rep. Miller, I do not assault Christianity when I wish somebody a Joyous Yule during the winter holiday season. I do not assault Christianity when I wear a Mjolnir pendant (one of many symbols of my faith, Asatru) or use the heathen origins of the days of the week. I do not assault Christianity when I procure a small tree for my living room so that I can decorate it with garland and lights as my ancestors did centuries ago. Yet I am feeling assaulted when people like your colleague from Iowa use language in a resolution that sends the message that non-Christians are somehow unwelcome in this country.
I do not appreciate being made to feel unwelcome or unnecessary because of my religious beliefs, Rep, Miller, and I am certain that the other non-Christian constituents in North Carolina's 4th Congressional District feel the same way.
Sincerely,
AQ
I think that about sums it up, don't you?
Not Knowing What To Say
There are times when you don't know what to say or feel.
This is one of those times.
A friend of mine passed along to me that her sister died this morning after putting up a hell of a fight with cervical cancer. We all knew the end was coming, but still: what do you say at a time like this? "I'm sorry for your loss" doesn't cut it, it really doesn't.
I feel numb right now. Sad for my friend, but still numb. I also feel like an ass because I don't feel like I'm showing proper sadness because my friend is devastated. Sure, she had time to prepare, but she loved her sister and I know that this hits her like a punch in the gut.
Rest easy, Cary Anne. May your ancestors welcome you warmly.
10 December 2007
Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Background: Husband is Mormon, his fellow congregants know I'm pagan--or at least some of them do. We have been receiving assistance from them the last month and a half since I had lost my job (and was on the hunt for another one).
Now that that is out of the way: Yesterday the president of the Elder's Quorum showed up at our door with a metric assload of food--I am not kidding. Cereal, canned goods of various kinds, juices, and so forth. It was a lot, and it was a holiday gift to us.
Now, I am not an ungrateful person--I fully recognize that without their help we more than likely would not have made it through the last month, and I really am grateful. But I'm also a wary person, and I know that a gift given requires a gift in return. I keep wondering when the other shoe will drop and requests for the return gift go from "tithe and attend Sacrament" (which I make sure he does anyway, as a matter of course) to "oh yeah, and your wife's gotta come too" and thence "When's your wife going to join the Church?"
Of course I'm wary. I'm always wary, especially because for a while after my husband and I got married (we were living in another state at the time), members of his Church kept badgering him to either get me to convert or to leave me for some nice Mormon girl, and treated me with no small amount of disdain. He was offered a free ride to Ricks College, with the clear (yet unspoken) proviso that he would be given that if he was the only one who moved out to Idaho. Even after he moved down here, somebody kept putting him on the singles list for his local ward even though I kept telling the person who'd call (to let him know about singles events) that I was his wife, that we'd been married for some years already, and would they please remove his name from the list?
It's been a rocky road between me and the LDS. When I accepted an invite from the Bishop to attend Thanksgiving at his house while my husband was out of town, I was quick to leave the room and go offer to help with the washing-up when the talk in the dining room turned to religion--because as the only non-Mormon in the house, it was only a matter of time before somebody said "So AQ, what's your religion?" Sure, I could have dropped the Creed of the North on them as my "testimony"--but that would have been very unwise, as I knew what would happen had I said something: all the "you need to leave her" crap would have started up again. Not from the Bishop (who knows I'm heathen), but definitely from some of the other members. So I took the advice of the Havamal, and kept my mouth shut.
And I'm still waiting for that damned shoe to drop.
Now that that is out of the way: Yesterday the president of the Elder's Quorum showed up at our door with a metric assload of food--I am not kidding. Cereal, canned goods of various kinds, juices, and so forth. It was a lot, and it was a holiday gift to us.
Now, I am not an ungrateful person--I fully recognize that without their help we more than likely would not have made it through the last month, and I really am grateful. But I'm also a wary person, and I know that a gift given requires a gift in return. I keep wondering when the other shoe will drop and requests for the return gift go from "tithe and attend Sacrament" (which I make sure he does anyway, as a matter of course) to "oh yeah, and your wife's gotta come too" and thence "When's your wife going to join the Church?"
Of course I'm wary. I'm always wary, especially because for a while after my husband and I got married (we were living in another state at the time), members of his Church kept badgering him to either get me to convert or to leave me for some nice Mormon girl, and treated me with no small amount of disdain. He was offered a free ride to Ricks College, with the clear (yet unspoken) proviso that he would be given that if he was the only one who moved out to Idaho. Even after he moved down here, somebody kept putting him on the singles list for his local ward even though I kept telling the person who'd call (to let him know about singles events) that I was his wife, that we'd been married for some years already, and would they please remove his name from the list?
It's been a rocky road between me and the LDS. When I accepted an invite from the Bishop to attend Thanksgiving at his house while my husband was out of town, I was quick to leave the room and go offer to help with the washing-up when the talk in the dining room turned to religion--because as the only non-Mormon in the house, it was only a matter of time before somebody said "So AQ, what's your religion?" Sure, I could have dropped the Creed of the North on them as my "testimony"--but that would have been very unwise, as I knew what would happen had I said something: all the "you need to leave her" crap would have started up again. Not from the Bishop (who knows I'm heathen), but definitely from some of the other members. So I took the advice of the Havamal, and kept my mouth shut.
And I'm still waiting for that damned shoe to drop.
04 December 2007
Yuletide update
OK, so Yule isn't for another two weeks-ish. Deal.
Anyway: I no longer work at the Stop-n-Rob, for reasons that I will not go into in this public forum. I now have my weekends and evenings back, so I can once again have a life.
What this means is that I'm actively getting ready for Yule this year and planning to spend time with my fellow heathens, rather than spending time in a convenience store in a rough neighbourhood wondering if this will be the day I get plugged by some wannabe who's upset that I carded him for a dollar blunt.
Yesterday evening I was at the SuperTarget near where I live. I heard a couple of middle-school age kids talking, and one of them said "What does 'yuletide' mean? Like, you hear it all the time--but what's it mean?" I was going to explain it to them, but they left before I got up the bollocks to turn around and tell them about Yule and the pagan origins of Christmas trees, holly, mistletoe, and so forth. All those fun holiday traditions that the Christianists claim are under attack by us wicked pagans.
And speaking of holidays: this time of year is always rough for me, because I'm so used to spending it alone. Either I've had to work, or I've been by myself (because I was single or--after I got married--because the husband just sleeps all day). So it's always been very painful for me, especially when the alternative was always family drama.
This year, I'm trying to do different. Leave some porridge (well OK, some Malt-O-Meal) out for the wights, try to make some kind of gifts (read: baked goods and other comestibles) to give to local friends, try to clean the house (which is always hard when you have trashed joints and low energy)...I want to do something other than mope, knowhutimean?
And I'll have another craft update soon.
Anyway: I no longer work at the Stop-n-Rob, for reasons that I will not go into in this public forum. I now have my weekends and evenings back, so I can once again have a life.
What this means is that I'm actively getting ready for Yule this year and planning to spend time with my fellow heathens, rather than spending time in a convenience store in a rough neighbourhood wondering if this will be the day I get plugged by some wannabe who's upset that I carded him for a dollar blunt.
Yesterday evening I was at the SuperTarget near where I live. I heard a couple of middle-school age kids talking, and one of them said "What does 'yuletide' mean? Like, you hear it all the time--but what's it mean?" I was going to explain it to them, but they left before I got up the bollocks to turn around and tell them about Yule and the pagan origins of Christmas trees, holly, mistletoe, and so forth. All those fun holiday traditions that the Christianists claim are under attack by us wicked pagans.
And speaking of holidays: this time of year is always rough for me, because I'm so used to spending it alone. Either I've had to work, or I've been by myself (because I was single or--after I got married--because the husband just sleeps all day). So it's always been very painful for me, especially when the alternative was always family drama.
This year, I'm trying to do different. Leave some porridge (well OK, some Malt-O-Meal) out for the wights, try to make some kind of gifts (read: baked goods and other comestibles) to give to local friends, try to clean the house (which is always hard when you have trashed joints and low energy)...I want to do something other than mope, knowhutimean?
And I'll have another craft update soon.
17 November 2007
Update + (arts+crafts) = profit
Update: I no longer work at the Stop-n-Rob. Of course, I'm still effectively "cut off" from the local heathen community thanks to my having been gone so long. I'll attempt to make it to the local hof's monthly blot tomorrow, though--we'll see how that goes.
My "art project" has progressed to the "oh crap, how does somebody with no drawing skills whatsoever draw a design?" stage. I see the design in my mind's eye, but I can't draw fer crap to put it on paper.
The design? Oh, nothing really complicated or anything--a boar done in white, on a red background. The circular border will be black, with the Elder Futhark embroidered in gold (well, yellow) in it. Maybe some extra little touches on the corners and sides, I dunno.
Total dimensions: 3' x 3'
Really, it's not that hard. And not that big either, really. But damned if I can draw it!
The materiel:
Needles -- 3
Embroidery floss in a rainbow of colours
Red cotton jersey fabric -- 3/4 bolt (yes, I have that much, and I've had it for years)
So, here you see an example of one of my practice runs. This is an attempt to make a whiteThurisaz (Duh AQ, that's not Thurisaz) Wunjo rune, filled in with yellow:
I apologize for the wonky white balance--I forgot I'd had the aperture open a bit wide.
And here is the cloth itself--the quality of the photo is crap, but I chalk that up to the camera.
But you can see, roughly, how thin the fabric is. Perhaps I need some kind of backing or a double-layer thing? I dunno.
My "art project" has progressed to the "oh crap, how does somebody with no drawing skills whatsoever draw a design?" stage. I see the design in my mind's eye, but I can't draw fer crap to put it on paper.
The design? Oh, nothing really complicated or anything--a boar done in white, on a red background. The circular border will be black, with the Elder Futhark embroidered in gold (well, yellow) in it. Maybe some extra little touches on the corners and sides, I dunno.
Total dimensions: 3' x 3'
Really, it's not that hard. And not that big either, really. But damned if I can draw it!
The materiel:
Needles -- 3
Embroidery floss in a rainbow of colours
Red cotton jersey fabric -- 3/4 bolt (yes, I have that much, and I've had it for years)
So, here you see an example of one of my practice runs. This is an attempt to make a white
I apologize for the wonky white balance--I forgot I'd had the aperture open a bit wide.
And here is the cloth itself--the quality of the photo is crap, but I chalk that up to the camera.
But you can see, roughly, how thin the fabric is. Perhaps I need some kind of backing or a double-layer thing? I dunno.
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